Whether you call it "life-giver," or you have 2-3 of them, or it's actually Nanny Griselda, or someone else stepped in to play the role of "Mother," Mothers' Day is one of those days when advertisements compel you really think about all those great things that mom does or did. We love you, moms!
It's not just a product of Hallmark advertising and guilt-- Moms really are the bomb, in any form! We adore our mumz here at Rigged Up, but also recognize that not everyone gets to have one. Instead of rubbing it in their bastard-faces, we thought that we could at least all come together around the fact that it could be worse-- your special "life-giver" could be one of THESE nightmares: TOP TEN WORST MOMS EVER!
1 NORMA BATES
If this is your mom, then, well, you’re just f*cked, but at least you can drag EXPERTLY in a long-sleeved maxi dress.
2 ROSEMARY WOODHOUSE
If this is your mom, then you’re the antichrist. On the up and up, your mother looks a lot like Mia Farrow.
3 KRIS JENNER
If this is your mom, then you’re also the antichrist. Only your mother looks like a bloated, scheming, plasticine perversion of Mia Farrow.
The sorceress from Greek Mythology, famous for not only marrying Jason, the Argonaut, but also for murdering their two sons together upon news of his infidelity. And you thought YOUR mom was a real witch!
5 MRS. LIFT / MAMA FRATELLI
This one’s a “twofer,” considering that both of these lovely maternal examples are played by the late, great American stage, television, and film actress, Ann Ramsey. Mrs. Lift is the violently abusive, famously-cranky and irritatingly-unkillable title-character in “Throw Momma from the Train.” Mama Fratelli, on the other hand, led her boys into a life of crime, which included locking her least-attractive son in a basement, and an attempt to ruin some kids’ innocent hunt for treasure. Famous one-liner: “Kids SUCK!” The NERVE!
If this is your mom, you not only have to cope with the fact that she opted to birth you into a single-parent, 8-sibling household, but also maintains the ensuing squalor with embarrassing sex-tapes and tacky US-Weekly photo-shoots while continuously evading Child Protective Services.
7 THE CUCKOO
If this is your mom, you’re less-lucky than even a skink or wolf-spider, who are often eaten by their mothers. No, the cuckoo doesn’t do its young the courtesy of devouring them, rather tricks other birds into raising her kids, freeing her up to self-actualize and take that class on crystal-healing that she was always curious about. Essentially the Joanna Kramer of the animal kingdom.
8 CORINNE DOLLANGANGER
Move over Cerscei Lannister, this mom (from “Flowers in the Attic”) takes your run-of-the-mill incest and adds to it entrapment, abandonment, and reckless self-indulgence. Rather than face her creepy inbred children upon their father’s death, Corinne locks her children in her also-creepy mother’s mansion to essentially rot, while she wins back her wealthy family’s favor and re-introduces herself to high society.
9 JOAN CRAWFORD
Because DUH! And, to be clear, we’re with her on the wire-hangers thing, it’s just that she went a little bit overboard with the alcoholic abuse and self-indulgence. Angelina Jolie and Madonna could learn a thing or two from Ms. Crawford’s negative experience with vanity adoptions.
10 MARGARET WHITE
If this is your mom, not only does she HATE your pyro/telekinetic ability, but also happens to be a door-to-door fringe-Christian prosthelytizer. Imagine growing up with mom’s demeaning, relentless one-liners such as “you have the sin of the raven,” “I can see your dirty pillows…EVERYONE will,” “Pimples are the Lord's way of chastising you,” and the old standby, “Go to your closet and pray…ask to be forgiven!” Not to mention a violent knifing. No wonder Carrie White went bonkers!
In summation, Rigged Up would like to wish a happy mothers day to all! (Especially those moms who AREN'T violent, murderous psychopaths!)
- Posted using three twigs, a paperclip, and a stick of gum